There’s a reason why God invented Amazon.com; to allow me to shop in peace without the worry of bumping into the freaks, perverts, and other miscellaneous creeps I reluctantly share the planet with. Foolishly though, I decided to visit my local Borders this afternoon, in an attempt to “kill some time” before my inevitable late afternoon nap.
Now, I always find standing in the checkout line at Borders to be particularly frustrating. I’m not quite sure if it’s the strange DMV-like rules where customers need to wait behind a line until they are called upon, or that it always seems like I’m at the end of a line that is thirty people deep, while only one cashier is present and twenty other employees float aimlessly around the store.
Today was no exception, and in addition to my previously mentioned annoyances, I also felt the presence of an impending doom as I slowly inched towards the store clerk. Standing behind me, was an odd man, wearing a pea colored sweatshirt, about twenty years my senior and looking quite fidgety. I had happened to notice that he took an interest in the fixture of “skin mags” safely stored behind the checkout counter. He kept leaning over the counter to get a better view, and because I was in his way, I could feel him begin to invade my personal space in hopes to get a peep of the partially covered titles that poked into view.
My first thought was, “Is this guy serious?” I’m pretty sure I even said it aloud, because after all, who still gets their rocks off to this shit that is over the age of twelve? Apparently this guy does, and he was in such a rush to see airbrushed titty, that he decided he couldn’t wait any longer, and just walked around the counter, ripped apart the plastic shrink wrap that enveloped one of the magazines, and then started to thumb through it right there in front of everyone.
I stood there, awkwardly watching him out of the corner of my eye for about thirty seconds, when I noticed that I was the only one who seemed to know what was going on here. The Borders clerk was busy ringing up a stack of books, she didn’t even notice that no more than seven feet away from her, a boner was growing.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the clerk looked over her shoulder, and her face instantly lit up with a “What the fuck!” reaction when she saw what was going. She interrupted the creep’s viewing session by kindly asking him what he was doing.
His response, which was innocent and casual sounding, “Just reading some magazines.”
She paused for a few moments before responding with, “Well, you aren’t supposed to be back here.”
He looked at her and answered in a disagreeing manner, “Well, how am I supposed to know what magazine I want when you have them hidden back here?”
By this point, I wasn’t sure who I was more embarrassed for, the creep with the half chubby who was now the center of attention to an audience of at least a dozen people, or the female store clerk. That’s right, a feeling of severe second hand embarrassment began to sink in, and I stood there with my merchandise under my arms, contemplating if ordering it from Amazon and having to wait a few days for shipping may not have been such a bad idea after all. But still, I stuck around, because I was intrigued as to how this event was going to unfold.
“Well,” said the store clerk, “You can wait in line, and I’ll assist you in a few minutes.”
The creep, still impatient and anxious, snapped back, “I think I’ll just take a few with me and read them over there,” pointing towards the cafe area, where I could see multiple seats filled with families, small children, and elderly women, all either reading, sipping tea, coffee, and/or eating pastries.
With that said, he threw a few magazines under his arms, and walked away, unashamed by the events that had just taken place. The store clerk rolled her eyes, and picked up a phone next to her, “Yeah, some guy just came behind the counter, thumbed through the adult magazines, and is now heading over to the cafe. Really creepy looking, wearing a green sweatshirt, kind of tall, and he has a bit of a receding hairline.” She then hung up the phone, and called out, “Can I help the next person in line?”, without even missing a beat. For the next few customers, the situation was never brought up again, and as I walked out the store, I still saw the creep in the cafe, sitting alone with a pile of porn on his lap and a shit eating grin on his face.
http://patrickmdunn.tumblr.com/post/3138725249/barely-legal
Today was no exception, and in addition to my previously mentioned annoyances, I also felt the presence of an impending doom as I slowly inched towards the store clerk. Standing behind me, was an odd man, wearing a pea colored sweatshirt, about twenty years my senior and looking quite fidgety. I had happened to notice that he took an interest in the fixture of “skin mags” safely stored behind the checkout counter. He kept leaning over the counter to get a better view, and because I was in his way, I could feel him begin to invade my personal space in hopes to get a peep of the partially covered titles that poked into view.
My first thought was, “Is this guy serious?” I’m pretty sure I even said it aloud, because after all, who still gets their rocks off to this shit that is over the age of twelve? Apparently this guy does, and he was in such a rush to see airbrushed titty, that he decided he couldn’t wait any longer, and just walked around the counter, ripped apart the plastic shrink wrap that enveloped one of the magazines, and then started to thumb through it right there in front of everyone.
I stood there, awkwardly watching him out of the corner of my eye for about thirty seconds, when I noticed that I was the only one who seemed to know what was going on here. The Borders clerk was busy ringing up a stack of books, she didn’t even notice that no more than seven feet away from her, a boner was growing.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the clerk looked over her shoulder, and her face instantly lit up with a “What the fuck!” reaction when she saw what was going. She interrupted the creep’s viewing session by kindly asking him what he was doing.
His response, which was innocent and casual sounding, “Just reading some magazines.”
She paused for a few moments before responding with, “Well, you aren’t supposed to be back here.”
He looked at her and answered in a disagreeing manner, “Well, how am I supposed to know what magazine I want when you have them hidden back here?”
By this point, I wasn’t sure who I was more embarrassed for, the creep with the half chubby who was now the center of attention to an audience of at least a dozen people, or the female store clerk. That’s right, a feeling of severe second hand embarrassment began to sink in, and I stood there with my merchandise under my arms, contemplating if ordering it from Amazon and having to wait a few days for shipping may not have been such a bad idea after all. But still, I stuck around, because I was intrigued as to how this event was going to unfold.
“Well,” said the store clerk, “You can wait in line, and I’ll assist you in a few minutes.”
The creep, still impatient and anxious, snapped back, “I think I’ll just take a few with me and read them over there,” pointing towards the cafe area, where I could see multiple seats filled with families, small children, and elderly women, all either reading, sipping tea, coffee, and/or eating pastries.
With that said, he threw a few magazines under his arms, and walked away, unashamed by the events that had just taken place. The store clerk rolled her eyes, and picked up a phone next to her, “Yeah, some guy just came behind the counter, thumbed through the adult magazines, and is now heading over to the cafe. Really creepy looking, wearing a green sweatshirt, kind of tall, and he has a bit of a receding hairline.” She then hung up the phone, and called out, “Can I help the next person in line?”, without even missing a beat. For the next few customers, the situation was never brought up again, and as I walked out the store, I still saw the creep in the cafe, sitting alone with a pile of porn on his lap and a shit eating grin on his face.
http://patrickmdunn.tumblr.com/post/3138725249/barely-legal
